Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Finn at One Month

It is so much easier this time. It's easier to enjoy the newborn stage and easier to lose track of time altogether. At today's three a.m. feeding, I poked Dave and whispered, "It's the seventeenth. He's a month old already!"

Cherishing the early days, even in those early hours; it comes more naturally this time around.

Finn is good at nursing. His birth was calm and he breastfed right away. BUT: I also had collected a support group for the inevitable hiccups and requisite troubleshooting. I saw a lactation consultant prenatally, then two days after Finn's birth, then a week later. The third time she told me we were official graduates, that everything looked great. I left feeling elated and equally--sadly--wondering if she had misread the ultra-precise electronic scale. That's how downtrodden I felt about nursing, so unwilling to get my hopes up, even when I was told by a professional that Everything. Is. Working. Go. Home.

I've been having an anxiety attack every few days that even though things were good "then," perhaps my milk supply has dropped and I don't know it and we're going to go to our one-month appointment and find out that Finn is malnourished. This despite the ever-chubbier cheeks, the loooong body, the cycle of eating and sleeping that produces a completely content baby. Thanks to breastfeeding drop-in group at Isis, reassuring words from my sister, and the best email ever from Bee, I believe I've turned a corner and am finally feeling consistently confident. We'll see if it lasts.

Now I know both sides of the coin, at least a month's worth. I know how traumatic it is to get mixed messages, to feel like a failure, to *know* that you're doing the best you can, but to also know that something has to change. I know how agonizing it is when something you've been looking forward to evaporates. I know what Plans B, C and D look like, and how giving up the fight can sometimes be the best cure.

And now I've experienced a full month of the nursing my baby the way I wanted the first time. I don't think I've worked harder at anything in my life; I can still hardly believe my luck.
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The Welsien Family said...

J, I'm so glad to hear that nursing is going well and the way you want it to this time around. That must be a wonderful feeling. Congratulations to both of you! Miss all of you! Love, Lisa

Anonymous said...

Happy One Month Finn!!! Feb is flying by, I actually thought that today (Thurs) was the 17th until I read your blog and realized I'd missed Finn's one-month yesterday! SO HAPPY to hear you are doing well, you sound very zen in your emails. Trust your chubby cheeked baby - you are doing perfectly!!! Can't wait to see you guys! Soon?


Bee said...

I didn't say anything you didn't already know, you are doing GREAT and Finn looks wonderful!! It's amazing how much babies change, even in just the first month. Enjoy every second!! Miss you all!

Alina said...

Isn't mothering a completely humbling experience?

Hang in there--I totally get your anxiety about milk supply. We're now almost 9 months into nursing a healthy, growing baby, and I still worry if I've got enough of what she needs. I think that's our job now as moms :)