Not Working For Me

Dear William,

When you go to sleep in the car on the way home from the park--

--while your little brother screams his head off one car seat over--

--and I do an abbreviated version of the sing-and-rock naptime routine because your little bro is continuing his quest to embody BOTH the sound AND the proverbial fury, although he has now been placed in the swing--

--and you decide that that twenty minutes in the car that started before the clock hit one? Yeah, that was enough napping for one day, thanks very much--

--and you stand and sit and babble and kiss your stuffed animals and sing Twinkle Twinkle and roll around--

--(yeah, even though I have to admit that that part is moderately-to-extremely adorable)--

--BUT STILL, I then have to go get you 45 minutes later and try to wear you out before three o'clock hits to try for another nap--

--and then, you see where this is going, you refuse to take THAT nap because like I said before, woman, I'm done with naps for the day--

--I start to vacillate between "He needs to be on a take-no-prisoners wake-and-sleep schedule, stat," and "This is my life now. I need to roll with the punches. I guess he isn't napping anymore today."

Right now, as I watch you stand and whine on the monitor, I can honestly say that I've chosen neither the strict schedule nor the New!Flexible!Joanna 2.0! course of action. Instead, I'm just holding on until four, when I can say that I tried and then transfer you to the double stroller for a lllllllllllllllooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg walk. Off a short pier. (Who said that?)

Love,

your mother

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Dear Fintan,

Ooh, you're so cute! Love those dimples. Great hair, too.

So, ummmmmm. I don't know how to say this, but I feel I have to be forthright with you: this hating-the-car thing? It's just not working for me. My ears actually feel like they will start bleeding; my eardrums begin to vibrate when your screams go full-throttle. I don't know if it's gas or motion sickness or being restrained or all/none of the above, but man. It is UNPLEASANT.

If your big brother had been an anti-car guy, at least I might feel confident that the blood-curdling noises would dissipate soon; as I have no prior experience with this, I am purely flummoxed. I sincerely don't know what to do with you. And I can't even keep you home or within walking distance--not just because it would be dull, but also because your brother and I both have people to see, places to go--places that require the use of a car to get to.

All that being said, if you came home and actually, you know, SLEPT WELL afterward, then hey, all would be forgiven. But, yeah. You just catnapped all afternoon, had to be ON TOP OF me no less, and worse, you keep pulling out your pacifier and then wailing as if to say, "Who is this monster who keeps snatching away this pacifier? I need that pacifier! I couldn't make out his face, but his hand looks uncannily like my own. BRING BACK MY PACIFIER!"

I want to say, nay, I have in fact said to you out loud, "Then don't take it out!"

But alas, you are four months old and thus too young for the old cause 'n' effect trick. Silly mama!

Love,

your mother

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Dear boys,

Thanks for falling asleep, Finn. It really means a lot to me, even though you dropped off while nursing and now I have to find some way of detaching myself and--oh look, Will is standing up again and whining so forcefully that he is gagging on drool in his crib. No, wait, now he has flopped in despair on his mattress and retreated into silence. So the question is...is naptime over? Or has it just gone into effect at 4:08 in the afternoon?

Oh, you two. No one can ever say you don't keep me on my toes.

Love,

shdjorbeughflkdshajfhkjbjegjdsryyrurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr [passes out]